An oldie but a goodie!

[zinnith]

I'm bored and in the mood for procrastination. Here, have a Stupid Customer of the Day from my time at the Dungeon of Doom.

Me: Welcome to (satellite company) how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I'm just calling to let you know that your satellite must've moved. Can you fix that as soon as possible please?

Me: Um... what makes you think the satellite moved?

Customer: My picture's all grainy and I lost a few channels. Can you just bump it back into place or something?

Me: I'm afraid that won't be possible. You will need to adjust your satellite dish to get the signal back. I can give you instructions for how to do it yourself, or we can send a technician within 24 hours.

Customer: No, no, there's nothing wrong with my dish, it's been in the same place for seven months.

Me: (knowing that there's been bad weather in his part of the country) Sir, is it windy where you are right now?

Customer: Yes, it's a bit of a storm actually. Now, are you going to move the satellite back or do I have to take this higher up?

Me: Sir, the satellite is in space. It didn't move. If you wait until the storm is over and then adjust your dish, the picture will come back.

Customer: You've been very unhelpful. Get your manager to call me back, I want to place a complaint. *click*

Comments

[vaginasaurus.livejournal.com]

Wow, that is uh...pretty dumb. I mean

HEY WHY AREN'T YOU DONNING YOUR SPACESUIT AND GETTING OUT THERE TO MOVE THE SATELLITE BACK INTO PLACE, LADY?

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

You haven't heard about the old lady who thought the satellite had fallen down yet. Or the porn van!

[vaginasaurus.livejournal.com]

Porn van? I'm intrigued!

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Heh...well once upon a time, the company I worked for broadcasted from England and due to some law or another, they weren't allowed to broadcast porn. So whenever the time came for the 'adult entertainment' they had to take out this old van, drive out in the middle of a field and flip a switch and voila - porn on TV!

[annieb1955.livejournal.com]

ROTFL!! I'm sorry but that's hysterical. This guy just zoomed to the top of my Idiot of 2009 list.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

He was a riot. It was one of those calls you wish you could've recorded and kept. I'm soooo glad I don't work there anymore!

[mesmorizee.livejournal.com]

Haha! XD

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Maybe you want to consider a career as a telephone operator? ;)

[mesmorizee.livejournal.com]

Maybe I do. It sounds amusing sometimes. ;p

[sgamadison.livejournal.com]

ohdearohdearohdear.

And I thought I had heard all the stupid ones.

Client lets mangy old unneutered, unvaccinated tomcat inside to sleep on her three year old son's bed every night. I try to explain why this is not a good idea. She is not listening.

me: M'mam, at the very *least* you should vaccinate that cat for rabies.

client: (spoken with deep SW VA twang)Why? Whut does ray-beez do to you ennyway?

me: It *kills* you. It kills you *dead*. You need to rent Old Yeller.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Haha! Customers... can't live with them, wouldn't have a job without them....

[calime]

Whut does ray-beez do to you ennyway?
Heh. Reminds me of the client of mine ... Background info one needs to know: time and place - Estonia ca 5 years ago, when sylvan rabies was very much endemic here (oral vaccination of the wildlife during past few years has reduced it dramatically) and where the annual rabies vaccination is (still)compulsory. I worked in the UNI vet hospital at the time, and we had had a few confirmed, yet uncharacteristic rabies cases already that year (just a quiet death or one that came in as a rodenticide poisoning). A lady who lives in a remote farm in the forest brings in a young dachshund with the complaint of vomiting and a suspicion of a foreign body, upon examination the dog has nervous system symptoms. A worried vet (because there were students involved in handling the dog, and because we had had rabies cases already, resulting in vaccinations for the entire staff) queries re: rabies vaccination. Client answers snottily that none of the animals (several dogs, horses, cats etc) on the farm are vaccinated against rabies. A rather desperately puzzled and irritated and worried vet asks why in gods name not. Answer: "Who would I need to vaccinate them for? We have nobody around there except foxes!" *vet headdesks repeatedly*
To this day people who worked there tend to quote the answer as a code for a particularyl headdesk-y stupid client situation *g*.

[(Anonymous)]

*snort* I didn't notice your icon at first. :-)

You have to wonder about people sometimes. I had a client once who insisted that her dog could not have been bitten by a snake because she had invisible fencing. I had to explain that it wasn't a force field. And that it wouldn't have prevented her dog from getting bitten unless she'd put a collar on the snake as well. So that's *our* headdesk phrase: did you remember to put a collar on the snake? :-)

[sgamadison.livejournal.com]

ooops, wasn't logged in before...

[calime]

*laughs* But of course all the snakes respect the private property!
So far, ten years of vet practice have sadly given me an understanding that a lot of people consider thinking to be an unnecessary luxury, not to mention logic :) On the bright side, since I started watching SGA I've been happily imagining siccing Rodney McKay on the worst morons *grins*. It is ... therapeuthic.

[calime]

(oh, and an addendum to the 'only foxes' story - of course the dachshund was rabid. The family, with several children, had a happy time of emergency rabies vaccinations for everybody...)

[rellan.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of customers we have who believe that we are hiding the books they want in receiving. Because apparently, despite working in a bookstore, we're not in the business of selling books. We don't want you to buy from us. That's why we tell you we don't have 'Blahblah' by Joe Doe. I *really* love the customers who ask three different booksellers for the same item. And get the same freakin' answer.

Ya bang your head against that wall long enough and the magic fairy will make what you want miraculously appear.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who runs into this sort of thing.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

It's quite common among us in the service business, I think. At least the nice customers outnumber the weirdos, otherwise I don't think I would be able to stand it :D

[liresius.livejournal.com]

Wow, what an ignoramus!

But my favourite customer complaint is the one where the customer calls complaining that the coffee holder tray in her/his computer is broken. *g*

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

That one is a classic! I haven't had it yet. *knocks on wood*