zinnith: (Default)
[personal profile] zinnith
Title: Great Void
Author: Zinnith
Wordcount: ~2000
Rating: PG-13
Warning: PTSD

Notes: I actually sat down with the intent of writing porn, but instead this is what came out. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but it's apparently something John has wanted to get off his chest for a while. Well, that's about it.

Written directly into LJ and unbeta'd so please feel free to tell me about any mistakes I might have made.

Summary: A struggle with memory and mind.



Great Void

Lately, there are days when John gets the urge to run, pack up his things and get out. His skin gets hot and tight and he can't stop scratching the spot just above his left collarbone that he knows isn't really itching. It still ends up red and irritated.

It's stupid and irrational and he knows he has no reason to feel this way. He never knew before he actually had it, but this is what a little part of his soul has been screaming for since he was eleven and his mother turned pale-thin and tired and his father turned distant and preoccupied.

He knows that Rodney has no intention of kicking him out, but there are still moments when John walks around the house, thinking about all the effort he put into the place. He's left his fingerprints on every board and beam and tile, painted the walls with his thoughts and his dreams and his promises. Sometimes he catches himself thinking about how hard it's going to be to walk away from all this and he has to take a moment to remind himself that he's not going to walk away, that this is something he's built to last.

He has no idea where the thoughts are coming from. It's like his own mind is playing tricks on him somehow, making him consider throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him.

John doesn't know if Rodney has noticed. If he has, he's not saying anything, and John can't tell him, doesn't even know how to say the words out loud.

* * *

There are days when Rodney is buried up to his neck in work and barely comes out of his study to eat and sleep. John knows it's not a matter of choice, not when it comes to Rodney's writing, but he can't shake the bitter feeling of abandonment that wells up from the place he keeps hidden deep inside his heart.

John takes Lady for long walks, hoping that the exercise and the fresh air will help clear his head. It's not working and when he gets home again, he goes to stand in front of the closed door to Rodney's study, struck by the powerful urge to bang his fists against it until Rodney opens.

The feeling is so strong that he's already raised his arm to knock before he can stop himself. What is he supposed to say when – if – no, when Rodney opens? 'Please, let me in, I'm lonely'?

It's stupid. Rodney's right there. John can hear him through the door, tapping on the keyboard, muttering the occasional frustrated tirade. In a couple of hours, Rodney will come out and they'll order pizza and watch TV until it's time to go to bed.

* * *

There are days when John is short-tempered and irritable. He doesn't even know what he's angry about, just that someone, somewhere has done him wrong.

He takes it out on Rodney, yells at him: "Your goddamn wet towels, McKay! Why the hell did I put up those hooks in the bathroom if you're not going to use them?"

Rodney blinks, taken aback for a moment, and then shouts back, "Five minutes, I left it there for five minutes with every intention of picking it up! What crawled up your ass and died?"

John just shakes his head and walks away. He doesn't want to fight with Rodney when it's not actually Rodney he's mad at, but he needs some kind of substitute, needs something, someone to scream and rage at while he's trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

A few minutes later, he can hear Rodney's door slam shut, and he doesn't know why but his eyes start burning and he has to swallow around the hard lump in his throat. It's stupid. They have arguments all the time, about small things and big things, and John gets angry and punches the walls and sulks in the garage, but he never cries.

He goes to work in a bad mood, grateful that it's only a half-day and he can hide out in his tiny little broom-closet of an office and curse at the budget so he won't have to risk snapping at one of the kids. By the end of the day, he finds himself standing in the parking lot, looking at the parents who come to pick up their children. The stupid lump is back in his throat and there's a strange ache in his chest and he knows that something is wrong, but he just can't figure out what.

John apologises to Rodney when he comes home. Tells him: "I'm sorry I was an asshole this morning."

"Me too," Rodney says, and usually that would be enough, they would kiss and make up and everything would be fine again. Today, John walks into Rodney's embrace, wraps his arms around Rodney's waist, and discovers that he can't let go.

"Okay, what's up with you?" Rodney asks, holding him a little tighter. "You've been weirder than usual lately. And I when I say 'weird', I say it with the utmost love and respect, of course."

John slowly shakes his head against Rodney's shoulder. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Whatever it is, you know you can tell me about it, right? There's no need for the suffering-in-silence routine."

"I know," John says, but the words turn sour in his mouth. He wants to tell Rodney but how can he when he doesn't even know what to say?

* * *

There are nights when he dreams. He can't remember anything substantial when he wakes up, only loosely connected images. A closed office door. A coffin, covered in white roses, being slowly lowered into the ground. Massive silence, so thick and deep it's taking on a shape of its own. A gate sliding shut behind him, effectively closing him out.

The sickly sweet scent of the roses follows him when he opens his eyes and he knows something is terribly wrong when he'd actually prefer to wake with sand and blood and gun oil lingering in his nostrils.

* * *

The day John finally figures it out, it's so simple that he wants to kick himself for not picking up on it earlier. He's on the phone with a priest from one of the local churches, setting up a meeting to co-ordinate volunteers, when he looks in his day planner and sees the date. The memories hit him over the head like a five iron, so hard and painful that he can't even speak for a few moments.

Somehow, he manages to get through the rest of the call, but he has no idea what happened, what was decided, and he knows he's going to have to call back later to clear things up.

He takes the rest of the day off, leaves Rodney's car in the parking lot because he doesn't trust himself behind the wheel at the moment, and takes the bus home. Every time he breathes in, he imagines he can smell flowers, covering up sickness and sin. How could he forget?

Rodney comes out of his study when John walks through the door, looking surprised and a little worried.

"You're home early. Did something happen?"

John stands there in the middle of the hall and he can finally tell Rodney what he's wanted to tell him all along, before he even knew what it was.

"Tomorrow, it'll be thirty years since my mom died," he says.

Even as the words leave his mouth, a wave of grief washes over him, so strong and powerful that he has to lean into Rodney to stay upright.

"I'm sorry," Rodney says, bringing his arms up around him, awkwardly patting his back. He sounds a little stunned. "I'm sorry John, I didn't know."

John does his best to keep his voice steady. "You couldn't have." He takes a deep breath. "My father, he... he couldn't handle it. When she got ill."

He closes his eyes, forces himself to remember. How the house was turned into a tomb even long before she was gone. All the long hours he spent looking after Dave, when mom was too tired and dad spent all his time working, working and working to take his mind off what was waiting for him at home. The dying wife, the son who had her eyes and her hair, a living reminder of the loss.

"I know you two didn't get along," Rodney murmurs. "I never knew why."

"He spent every second he could at work," John says. The words are spilling out of him now. He probably couldn't stop them if he tried. "And when he got home, he'd go straight into his office and close the door. I remember... standing outside. I always wanted to knock and see if he'd let me in, tried it a couple of times even, but..."

Rodney interrupts him. "I know I'm probably not the right person to say this, but you do realise your father was seriously screwed up, don't you? He had no right to do that to you."

There's anger in his voice, and John is a little surprised to hear it, but he's also so very grateful that, after all these years, someone is angry on his behalf.

"He loved her," he manages to choke out, not quite sure why he's defending his father now, today of all days, but with the next heartbeat he gets it. "He loved her so much that losing her destroyed him and I... I think I understand it now, Rodney. If you ever..."

He can't go on. The thought is too much, too terrible to bear.

"I'm not going anywhere," Rodney says, stroking his hands up and down John's back and John might be clinging a little, hands fisted in Rodney's shirt, but he figures he's allowed, just this once.

* * *

The day ends, like so many others, on the couch with Newton perched on the armrest and Lady snoring on the rug. There's nothing to see on TV but it's turned on anyway, a low buzz of background noise. John is all talked out, exhausted like he's run a marathon, but his heart feels a hundred pounds lighter. He's carried this grief for thirty years and he doesn't think it'll ever fade, but he doesn't have to endure it alone any more.

"I won't close the door again," Rodney says. "And if I forget and do it anyway, all you have to do is knock and I'll open. I swear I'll open."

John turns his head, presses his face against Rodney's neck, inhales. "I know," he says. "I know you will."

"This is a probably a completely inappropriate thing to say, considering everything, but I'm actually glad..." Rodney makes a face and backtracks. "No, not glad, wrong word. Relieved is better. I'm actually relieved that it was something like this. You've had that look lately, like you've been planning to run, and I got... a little scared, maybe?"

He should have known that Rodney would pick up on it and start worrying and John feels a bit guilty for letting him.

"Not running, I promise," he says "I'm here for as long as you'll have me."

"How about forever? Is that okay with you?" Rodney's eyebrows rise hopefully, almost a little comically.

John is too tired to laugh, but he does smile. "Forever works for me."

-fin-

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 05:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hildejohanne.livejournal.com
*flails*

*off to read*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 05:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hildejohanne.livejournal.com
I have so much love for this verse and this story is no exception! I really feel John's pain. I lost my dad when I was 15 and couldn't talk about it for over ten years.

I love these glimpses into their life together, Zin. Thank you :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! I've missed writing them more than I realised ♥

And I'm so sorry about your dad *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hildejohanne.livejournal.com
I do hope you find inspiration for more stories :)

And thank you :) I still miss him.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarahj2222.livejournal.com
This is gorgeous. As is everything you write about these two.
The entire verse knocks me out.
Thank you, my dear.
Sarah

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you very much!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] irishjeeper.livejournal.com
*grabs tissues and mops up tears* wow ...

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Sorry about that... (only not really *g*)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] irishjeeper.livejournal.com
It's quite okay! I'm going back and reading the whole series now ... *giggles*

It was a really well done piece though!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you very much! ;D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 06:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sherry57.livejournal.com
Just beautiful hon. Thanks.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading! :D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 07:02 pm (UTC)
danceswithgary: (Default)
From: [personal profile] danceswithgary
This is wonderful.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 07:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rock-mafia.livejournal.com
Oh sweet baby J. This one hurt so good. I actually have tears in my eyes because I just want to wrap them both up and snuggle them.

Amazing, amazing job. Now I'm off to read the rest of your series.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! Happy reading *g*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 07:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bellalaine.livejournal.com
Thank you for this. Lovely as usual!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 08:24 pm (UTC)
saphirablue: (John alone)
From: [personal profile] saphirablue
Oh John! *hugs him and pets him and hugs him*

I love Rodney getting it and being there for John and saying the right words.

Thank you for this fic! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
John's past owes him so many hugs. Thank you for reading!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 08:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluespirit-star.livejournal.com
This broke my heart a little and then put it right back together. ♥
Beautiful!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 05:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Good thing it was put together again *g* Thank you, hon!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 08:57 pm (UTC)
tarlanx: Blue butterfly on books on rainbow colored background (McShep - Equals Love)
From: [personal profile] tarlanx
Lovely story!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you, hon!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melagan.livejournal.com
Oh boys

This one was a heart-tugger sweetie and just goes to show how much they need each other.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 06:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
They really do. Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 10:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] altyronsmaker.livejournal.com
Oh man. Grief just creeps up on you, insidious and sly, and you know something's wrong, but can't put a finger on it, and there's pressure, to run, to leave, to escape, but you don't know why....

Really well done. I cried.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 06:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you very much!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-14 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lazy-8s.livejournal.com

Truly beautiful!!! I loved John's angst, as he struggled to identify this strange feeling of loss, finally realizing that he had never grieved for his mother. And, he went straight to Rodney, who provided the comfort and support that he needed. Love this slice of the 'verse, as with all the others. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! Writing John is like peeling back layer after layer of issues, only to find even more issues underneath. Good thing he has Rodney to take care of him :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] timespirt.livejournal.com
Thank you for adding to the verse again hon. I appreciate being able to get to read more in it.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 05:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 06:26 am (UTC)
ext_2160: SGA John & Rodney (McShep-red hug)
From: [identity profile] winter-elf.livejournal.com
Oh, such lovely angst! I so love how you emotionally hurt John in this verse - and how it makes sense and works. And I love how Rodney is there for him.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 07:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
I might enjoy tormenting him a little more than I should... *hides* But he's just so pretty when he's hurting!

Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 11:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sgamadison.livejournal.com
There is so much here that is so familiar to me that this story was harder to read than expected. I love how you've created such a real and plausible universe for John and Rodney here.

Lovely, lovely story. I just want to smish them together and tell them everything will be all right as long as they have each other.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 12:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm sorry it was hard for you to read, I must admit that some parts were rather hard to write too...

At least they're smart enough to understand that all they really need is each other :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 02:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sgamadison.livejournal.com
Well, in my case, it was my mom who wouldn't come home as my dad slowly died. I know she had her reasons, but what hurt me the most was that my dad couldn't understand them. :-(

You wrote 'trapped' John so perfectly here. I could clearly see this version of John behaving like this--you deftly handled same-but-different-John very well!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry, hon *hugs*.

I'm putting a lot of myself into this version of John (maybe a little too much sometimes...)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-15 03:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sgamadison.livejournal.com
It's what makes John my favorite character to write. *nods firmly*

*hugs you back*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-16 02:49 am (UTC)
goddess47: Emu! (Default)
From: [personal profile] goddess47
Awwww.... forever.....

Yes, it would take John days to figure out what the problem was.... good for him to hang in and not just run....

Nicely done!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-18 06:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! Poor John, I could call him slow, only that would be unfair. But he has sort of made repression into his way of life and he's only beginning to learn how to face the ugly things instead of pushing them down.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-16 02:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] d_odyssey.livejournal.com
Absolutely beautiful! Oh my, so heart wrenching as John is so melancholy and skittish but doesn't know why. I love the juxtaposition of the closed door and John raising his hand to knock. So poignant and tear inducing as John remembers and tells Rodney. *break for Kleenex* Lovely how it unfolds and Rodney realizes the significance to John and leaves his door open. The ending is powerful and full of love. Boys! Awesome, emotional addition to the wonderful EP verse.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-18 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! *sends supersized box of Kleenex* My dear boys, I'm glad they're beginning to learn how to communicate with each other, even if it's slow going...

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-16 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trystings.livejournal.com
Ohh, that was beautiful. Thank you so much.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-18 06:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-22 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] schneefink.livejournal.com
This is good. I really enjoyed reading it.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-22 08:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-25 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mckaysmonkey.livejournal.com
This is one of those stories that hurts, but in a good way.
I just want to wrap poor John up in a great big hug.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-04-26 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zinfic.livejournal.com
John needs many hugs. Thank you!

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