SGA-fic: Out

[zinnith]

Title: Out
Author: Zinnith
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 909
Disclaimer: If I owned them I wouldn't have to live off my parents.
Notes: A little something for saffie_lew's Coming out challenge. This will probably be Jossed into next week with Outcast, but what the hell...

Beta by the wonderful the_cephalopod. Thank you!

Summary: “Hi, Dad. I… I thought I’d drop by to see you.” 

My father’s face is stony and closed; unapproachable as always. Nothing much has changed over the years. I’m still met by a high grey wall that I can’t climb, no matter how hard I try. I was never able to scale it; not even in a chopper or a plane was I able to make it over, to stand face to face with the man, naked and honest. I've waited this long to have this conversation because, even if my father won’t listen, now at least I can speak freely.

“Hi, Dad. I… I thought I’d drop by to see you.” There’s no answer. I hadn’t expected one. “I just wanted you to know something. Maybe you always did and that’s why you… anyway.”

I look down at my hands, opening and closing around empty air. “I know things were hard for you after Mom died. You couldn’t even handle your own grief. You weren’t ready to take care of a kid. I didn’t understand back then - that you were angry at Mom for leaving. I always thought you blamed me for being the one who survived.” I sigh and then draw a deep breath. I’m not used to talking this much and my mouth feels dry. I’m waiting for that disapproving look, even though I know it won’t come this time.

“You did your best, Dad. Even though you often didn’t know how. No one can say you didn’t try. You just tried the wrong way and I wasn’t old enough, mature enough, to help you out or meet you half way. Hell, I don’t even know if I am today. But I've learnt a thing or two about myself, and I think we’re more alike than either of us ever wanted to admit.” A thin laugh escapes me. I remember all the arguments, all the broken dishes, the time I punched a hole in the kitchen wall. “Too damn stubborn, both of us. You wanted another life for me. But you just wanted me to be happy; I can see that now.”

He’s still silent. In a way, I wish I could’ve told him all of this years ago, just so I could see his reaction. It’s too late now. Now I’ll never  know what he really thinks; what he really feels.     

“I’m with someone now - that’s what I wanted to tell you. I know how much you liked Nancy and I’m sorry I couldn’t work things out with her, but I'm guessing that you knew that all along. I just wasn’t meant for that life. I was never happy with her. Could never have been happy with her.”

That was his one big sorrow, after Mom. That was when we stopped talking. Well, not really, because we’d never been talking to each other – it was always just one of us ranting at the other , both of us refusing to listen. But after the divorce we broke off contact entirely. I think Dad was hoping for grandkids; that his own family could somehow be resurrected through me. 

 “I’m happy now,” I tell him. “I hope you can accept that. I think you'd like him if you were ever  to meet him. He’s not so different from you, you know. Stubborn. Convinced he’s always right. He’s got that same prickly shell to keep from having  to show people how much he really cares. And he loves me. Really loves me. He doesn’t just think I’m cool, or good-looking, or any of that. He loves me for being me. I think he’s the first one to ever…”

I have to stop then, rub the moisture away from my eyes. It’s cold out today, windy. That’s why I’m tearing up.

“Anyway.” I pause. I think I’ve told him everything. At least everything I can think of for now. There’s not enough time in the world to tell him everything I want to say. “I guess that’s it. I love him too, Dad. This guy is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I’m grateful for every day I get to spend with him. The place we live in… it can be sort of dangerous sometimes. It’s amazing most of the time - we get to see and do things you could only dream of. But sometimes bad things happens, and when they do… he’s there, right in the middle of it. Whining and complaining about everything he can think of, but he’s there to back me up, and we get through it together.” I chuckle to myself, remembering all the close calls we’ve had over the years.

“That’s what I wanted to tell you. I’m happy. I hope you would’ve been happy for me too, if you were still here. I love you. I know you loved me too.”

I don’t know what else to say, so I reach out my hand and caress my father’s tombstone. We didn’t bring any flowers, it’s too cold outside for them to have lasted anyway. The only thing I leave behind as a testament to this visit is two sets of footprints in the frosty grass.

“Done?” Rodney asks quietly from beside me.

I nod, reach out for him and find his hand, his palm warm against mine. “Let’s go home,” I say.

He gives the stone a last look, mouths something I can’t quite catch, and then we turn and leave the graveyard together, heading home.

Comments

[ctheinvisible17.livejournal.com]

Wow... That's about all I can say - wow.

It's windy here, too. In my room. *sniffle*

Thank you for sharing this. It made my day better. ^_^

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

*hands you tissue* Glad I could make your day better!

[kaniku.livejournal.com]

wow.
just.....wow.
*cuddles John*

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! (And John says thank you for the cuddle)

[tarlanx]

Sad that he couldn't speak to his father while he still lived, but happy that he found Rodney.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

John Sheppard's whole character just screams 'daddy-issues'. But Rodney makes everything better!

[sasha-feather.livejournal.com]

Awww, schmmoozey wonderfulness. :)

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[anyanka-eg.livejournal.com]

So sad, but also sort of positive I think. John actually managing to express himself has to be a positive. Loved it.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

It was all his idea. I told him, "You're John Sheppard, you don't talk!" and he answered, "I need to say this so you just shut up and write it", and who am I to argue... Thanks!

[the-cephalopod.livejournal.com]

Just *lovely*. cep xxx

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you again!
Love Z

[courtberger.livejournal.com]

Ok, it made me cry. This is beautiful!

I don't what is wrong with me today, I saw a commercial earlier about rescuing animals in shelters and that made me cry too.

I really, really like this, it was so John and it was just absolutely gorgeous.

Court

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you though it was in character even though John was a little more talkative than usual...

[saffie-lew.livejournal.com]

Aww, poor John. But yay, anotherone for Coming Out...Weekend?

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

In my opinion, every day should be Coming Out Day. Let's hope for a world where we won't need a special day.

[fiareynne.livejournal.com]

*loves*

I would be so psyched if you posted this over at out_stargate. We were having a coming out day challenge too but it didn't really work out for us. :)

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I meant to post it there yesterday but was wrestled away from the computer by various family members. Will post ASAP!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Oh, poor John. {{hugs them}}

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! At least he's got Rodney now...

[psyko-kittie.livejournal.com]

*sniffle* Poor John, but he has Rodney to lean on! Lovely story.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Rodney makes everything better...

My mind can't stop questioning and wondering what Rodny might have said.

[trixxanna.livejournal.com]

woah. There are always layers in your pieces and this one doesn't dissapoint in that respect.
John's a character who's silence and walls can be a deafening well or a raging soul draining cry that echos without sound. He's the kind you see in passing and feel that you've brushed something more than you wish to dream or dred. You know there are issues there that go deep and the scars stretch back farther than the military time. (or I'm reading way too much into things *headdesk*)

A soulful piece and very realistic.
Thank you for sharing it.

Re: My mind can't stop questioning and wondering what Rodny might have said.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

I love your feedback, it makes my stories look so good ;D
I agree with you about John, he's a very interesting character to write. I am and will always be a McKay-girl so in the beginning, I mostly used John as a way to write Rodney without having to write Rodney, but I fell in love with John along the way. Sometimes I feel like he's so closed off that he's even hiding things from himself. Attempting to unwrap him is both fun and frustrating...

Thank you for reading!

[sparrowhawk17.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. This is so painful and so perfect. It's a side of John that we don't see. Absolutely wonderful. I think I needed this today.

[zinfic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Everyone needs a little John/Rodney now and then...